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1  The Coffee Shop / Charlie's Comedy Corner / Famous Sayings on: October 15, 2015, 11:30:36 AM
Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself "Lillian,
you should have remained a virgin."
-- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever
seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to
withdraw that statement.
-- Mark Twain

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a
good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.
-- George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
-- Victor Borge

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
-- Mark Twain

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy;
if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
-- Socrates

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
-- Groucho Marx

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then
she stops to breathe.
-- Jimmy Durante

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
-- Zsa Zsa Gabor

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential
food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
-- Alex Levine

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
-- Rodney Dangerfield

Money can't buy you happiness . but it does bring you a more
pleasant form of misery.
-- Spike Milligan
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2  The Coffee Shop / The Counter / Re: Finally did it! on: August 17, 2015, 05:18:58 AM
That works two ways!
 Cool
3  The Coffee Shop / The Counter / Finally did it! on: July 31, 2015, 02:22:17 PM
Thursday, July 30, 2015 was my last run.
I was wanting to keep trucking until Oct. 26 which is my 80th birthday but it's just getting too hard to keep on keepin on.
So I am officially an ex-truck driver.
Been a good 40+ years and around 4,000,000 miles.
4  The Coffee Shop / Charlie's Comedy Corner / Biker 2 on: July 14, 2015, 06:25:33 AM
 A rookie police officer pulled a biker over for speeding and had the following exchange:
• Officer: May I see your driver's license?
• Biker: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
• Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
• Biker: It's not my bike. I stole it.
• Officer: The motorcycle is stolen?
• Biker: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the tool bag when I was putting my gun in there.
• Officer: There's a gun in the tool bag?
• Biker: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the dude who owns this bike and stuffed his dope in the saddle bags.
• Officer: There's drugs in the saddle bags too?!?!?
• Biker: Yes, sir. Hearing this, the rookie immediately called his captain. The biker was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the biker to handle the tense situation:
• Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
• Biker: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.
• Captain: Who's motorcycle is this?
• Biker: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.
• Captain: Could you slowly open your tool bag so I can see if there's a gun in it?
• Biker: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the tool bag.
• Captain: Would you mind opening your saddle bags? I was told you said there's drugs in them.
• Biker: No problem. The saddle bags were opened; no drugs.
• Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole this motorcycle, had a gun in the tool bag, and that there were drugs in the saddle bags.
• Biker: Yeah, I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too.
_________________________
5  The Coffee Shop / Charlie's Comedy Corner / Biker 1 on: July 14, 2015, 06:22:34 AM
 While riding one day, alone Biker met a Farmer riding a horse with a dog and a sheep alongside. The biker began a conversation . . . .
• Biker: "Hey, cool dog you got there. Mind if I speak to him?"
• Farmer: "Dogs don't talk."
• Biker: "Hey dog, how's it going?"
• Dog: "Doing' alright."
• Farmer: Look of shock.
• Biker: "Is this your owner?" pointing at the farmer.
• Dog: "Yep."
• Biker: "How does he treat you?"
• Dog: "Really well. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, & takes me to the river once a week."
• Farmer: Look of total disbelief.
• Biker: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
• Farmer: "Horses don't talk."
• Biker: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
• Horse: "Cool."
• Farmer: Extreme look of shock.
• Biker: "Is this your owner? " pointing at the Farmer.
• Horse: "Yessiree Bob."
• Biker: "How's he treating you?"
• Horse: "Pretty good, and thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in a shed to protect me."
• Farmer: Total look of utter amazement.
• Biker: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
• Farmer: "The sheep is a liar."
6  The Garage / Mopar Tech 'n Tips / Fasreners and such on: July 13, 2015, 09:49:06 AM
Auveco Products - Automotive, Industrial and Specialty ...
https://www.auveco.com/
7  The Coffee Shop / The Counter / Happy Birth Day America on: July 03, 2015, 06:47:25 AM
Kate Smith, God Bless America - YouTube
www.youtube.com/watch?v=rEJo7x9y3D4
8  The Coffee Shop / Charlie's Comedy Corner / Life Beyond Facebook on: June 22, 2015, 10:30:59 AM
Subject:  Beyond Facebook. Brilliant!




Presently, I am trying to make friends outside of Facebook while applying the same principles.
Therefore every day, I go down on the street and tell the passers by what I have eaten, how I feel, what I have done the night before, and what I will do after, I give them pictures of my wife, my daughter, my dog and me gardening and spending time in my pool.
I also listen to their conversations and I tell them I love them.
And it works:
I already have 3 persons following me ? 2 police officers and a psychiatrist!
9  The Coffee Shop / Charlie's Comedy Corner / RETIREMENT on: June 13, 2015, 04:58:05 AM

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. "Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."



There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years." "Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together." "I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago." "Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we get naked?" Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago." "I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal."
_________________________
10  The Coffee Shop / Charlie's Comedy Corner / Couple Sex on: April 06, 2015, 07:59:16 PM
: What Is Couple Sex?
 
  
All you Grandpas and Grandmas, this is too funny not to    forward.
We are all reaching that stage where we need to keep the wax out    of our ears and keep the hearing aids tuned up. Enjoy!
  
What Is Couple Sex?--- An 8-year-old girl went to her    grandfather, who was
working    in the yard and asked him, "Grampa, what is couple sex?”
  
The grandfather was surprised that she    would ask such a question, but decided
that if she's old enough to know to ask    the question, then she's old enough to
get a straight answer. Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded    to tell
her all about human reproduction and the    joys and responsibilities of intercourse.  
When he finished explaining, the little    girl was looking at him with her mouth
hanging    open, eyes wide in amazement.
  
Seeing the look on her face, the    grandfather asked her, "Why did you ask this
question, honey?”
  
The little girl replied, "Grandma says    that dinner will be ready in just a couple secs."
11  The Coffee Shop / Charlie's Comedy Corner / Blonde City Girl on: March 25, 2015, 07:07:26 AM
A blonde city girl named Sue marries a Texas rancher.

One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher said to Sue, "The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today, so I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above where the cow's stall is in the barn. "Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?"

The rancher left for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrived and knocked on the front door. “I came to inseminate the cow,” he said .

Sue took him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows, and when Sue saw the nail, she told him, "This is the one right here."

The man, assuming he was dealing with an airhead blonde asked, "Tell me, lady, 'cause I'm dying to know. "How would YOU know that this is the right cow to be bred?"

"That's simple." she said. "By the nail that's over its stall," she explained very confidently.

Laughing rudely at her, the man said, "And what, pray tell, is the nail for?"

The blonde turned to walk away and said sweetly over her shoulder,

"I guess it’s to hang your pants on.”

Blonde 1.  Vet 0
12  The Coffee Shop / Charlie's Comedy Corner / Old Car Guys on: March 24, 2015, 03:17:07 PM
Retirement
13  The Coffee Shop / Charlie's Comedy Corner / High School Reunion on: March 24, 2015, 02:24:58 PM
Husband takes the wife to her high school reunion. After meeting several of her friends and former school mates, they are sitting at a table where he is yawning and overly bored.
The band cranks up and people are beginning to dance. There's a guy on the dance floor living it up large, break dancing, moon walking, back flips, buying drinks for people, the works.

Wife turns to her husband and says, "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down.

Husband says: "Looks like he's still celebrating".
_________________________
14  The Coffee Shop / Charlie's Comedy Corner / Welcome To The Party on: March 14, 2015, 09:54:17 AM
A very rich man living in Hollywood decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors.
He also invited Jimmy, the loud mouth jerk of the neighborhood.
He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his Mansion.
Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, and eating prawns and oysters at the BBQ.
At the height of the party, the host said, "I have a 15ft Man-eating crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the guts to jump in."
The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud Splash and everyone turned around and saw Jimmy in the pool!
Jimmy was fighting the croc and winning!
Jimmy was jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of stuff, like head butts and chokeholds, biting the croc on the tail and flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.
The water was churning and splashing everywhere.
Both Jimmy and the croc were screaming and raising heck.
Finally Jimmy strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a K-mart goldfish.
Jimmy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.

Finally the host says, "Well, Jimmy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars."
"Nah, you’re all right, I don't want it," said Jimmy.
The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something. You Won the bet.", "How about half a million bucks then?"

"No thanks. I don't want it," answered Jimmy.

The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?"

Again Jimmy said no.

Confused, the rich man asked, "Well Jimmy, then what do you want?"

And Jimmy said, I just want the name of the person who pushed me in the Pool."
_____
15  The Coffee Shop / Charlie's Comedy Corner / LEMON SQUEEZER on: March 14, 2015, 09:39:47 AM

                 LEMON SQUEEZER
 
At the bar in Washington D.C.
the owner & bartender, was so sure that he was
the strongest man around, that he offered a
standing $1000 bet.

The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and then hand the lemon to the patron..

Anyone who could squeeze two more drops of juice out of it, would win the money.
Many people had tried,.....over the years: weightlifters, longshoremen, etc., but nobody had ever been able to do it.

One day, this scrawny little fellow came into the bar,
wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit.

He sat down, ordered a glass of draft, & started looking around the bar.
After reading the sign on the wall about the lemon challenge, he said in a small voice:
"I was just reading your sign, and I'd like to try the bet."
After the laughter had died down, the bartender said:
"Ok,   ..."

He grabbed a lemon and squeezed the heck out of it......
Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little fellow.
But the Crowd's laughter turned to total silence....
as the man clenched his little fist around the lemon....
and six drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the guy his $1000, and then asked little man:
"Do you mind if I ask what do you do for a
living?

Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?"
The little fellow quietly replied:
 

"I work for the IRS."
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