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 11 
 on: June 22, 2015, 10:30:59 AM 
Started by Charlie1935 - Last post by Charlie1935
Subject:  Beyond Facebook. Brilliant!




Presently, I am trying to make friends outside of Facebook while applying the same principles.
Therefore every day, I go down on the street and tell the passers by what I have eaten, how I feel, what I have done the night before, and what I will do after, I give them pictures of my wife, my daughter, my dog and me gardening and spending time in my pool.
I also listen to their conversations and I tell them I love them.
And it works:
I already have 3 persons following me ? 2 police officers and a psychiatrist!

 12 
 on: June 13, 2015, 04:58:05 AM 
Started by Charlie1935 - Last post by Charlie1935

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. "Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."



There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years." "Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together." "I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago." "Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we get naked?" Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago." "I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal."
_________________________

 13 
 on: April 06, 2015, 07:59:16 PM 
Started by Charlie1935 - Last post by Charlie1935
: What Is Couple Sex?
 
  
All you Grandpas and Grandmas, this is too funny not to    forward.
We are all reaching that stage where we need to keep the wax out    of our ears and keep the hearing aids tuned up. Enjoy!
  
What Is Couple Sex?--- An 8-year-old girl went to her    grandfather, who was
working    in the yard and asked him, "Grampa, what is couple sex?”
  
The grandfather was surprised that she    would ask such a question, but decided
that if she's old enough to know to ask    the question, then she's old enough to
get a straight answer. Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded    to tell
her all about human reproduction and the    joys and responsibilities of intercourse.  
When he finished explaining, the little    girl was looking at him with her mouth
hanging    open, eyes wide in amazement.
  
Seeing the look on her face, the    grandfather asked her, "Why did you ask this
question, honey?”
  
The little girl replied, "Grandma says    that dinner will be ready in just a couple secs."

 14 
 on: March 25, 2015, 07:07:26 AM 
Started by Charlie1935 - Last post by Charlie1935
A blonde city girl named Sue marries a Texas rancher.

One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher said to Sue, "The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today, so I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above where the cow's stall is in the barn. "Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?"

The rancher left for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrived and knocked on the front door. “I came to inseminate the cow,” he said .

Sue took him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows, and when Sue saw the nail, she told him, "This is the one right here."

The man, assuming he was dealing with an airhead blonde asked, "Tell me, lady, 'cause I'm dying to know. "How would YOU know that this is the right cow to be bred?"

"That's simple." she said. "By the nail that's over its stall," she explained very confidently.

Laughing rudely at her, the man said, "And what, pray tell, is the nail for?"

The blonde turned to walk away and said sweetly over her shoulder,

"I guess it’s to hang your pants on.”

Blonde 1.  Vet 0

 15 
 on: March 24, 2015, 03:17:07 PM 
Started by Charlie1935 - Last post by Charlie1935
Retirement

 16 
 on: March 24, 2015, 02:24:58 PM 
Started by Charlie1935 - Last post by Charlie1935
Husband takes the wife to her high school reunion. After meeting several of her friends and former school mates, they are sitting at a table where he is yawning and overly bored.
The band cranks up and people are beginning to dance. There's a guy on the dance floor living it up large, break dancing, moon walking, back flips, buying drinks for people, the works.

Wife turns to her husband and says, "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down.

Husband says: "Looks like he's still celebrating".
_________________________

 17 
 on: March 14, 2015, 09:54:17 AM 
Started by Charlie1935 - Last post by Charlie1935
A very rich man living in Hollywood decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors.
He also invited Jimmy, the loud mouth jerk of the neighborhood.
He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his Mansion.
Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, and eating prawns and oysters at the BBQ.
At the height of the party, the host said, "I have a 15ft Man-eating crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the guts to jump in."
The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud Splash and everyone turned around and saw Jimmy in the pool!
Jimmy was fighting the croc and winning!
Jimmy was jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of stuff, like head butts and chokeholds, biting the croc on the tail and flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.
The water was churning and splashing everywhere.
Both Jimmy and the croc were screaming and raising heck.
Finally Jimmy strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a K-mart goldfish.
Jimmy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.

Finally the host says, "Well, Jimmy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars."
"Nah, you’re all right, I don't want it," said Jimmy.
The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something. You Won the bet.", "How about half a million bucks then?"

"No thanks. I don't want it," answered Jimmy.

The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?"

Again Jimmy said no.

Confused, the rich man asked, "Well Jimmy, then what do you want?"

And Jimmy said, I just want the name of the person who pushed me in the Pool."
_____

 18 
 on: March 14, 2015, 09:39:47 AM 
Started by Charlie1935 - Last post by Charlie1935

                 LEMON SQUEEZER
 
At the bar in Washington D.C.
the owner & bartender, was so sure that he was
the strongest man around, that he offered a
standing $1000 bet.

The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and then hand the lemon to the patron..

Anyone who could squeeze two more drops of juice out of it, would win the money.
Many people had tried,.....over the years: weightlifters, longshoremen, etc., but nobody had ever been able to do it.

One day, this scrawny little fellow came into the bar,
wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit.

He sat down, ordered a glass of draft, & started looking around the bar.
After reading the sign on the wall about the lemon challenge, he said in a small voice:
"I was just reading your sign, and I'd like to try the bet."
After the laughter had died down, the bartender said:
"Ok,   ..."

He grabbed a lemon and squeezed the heck out of it......
Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little fellow.
But the Crowd's laughter turned to total silence....
as the man clenched his little fist around the lemon....
and six drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the guy his $1000, and then asked little man:
"Do you mind if I ask what do you do for a
living?

Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?"
The little fellow quietly replied:
 

"I work for the IRS."

 19 
 on: March 01, 2015, 03:07:36 PM 
Started by Charlie1935 - Last post by Charlie1935
Late last fall, the Indians on the Aamjiwnaang First Nation reservation in Grand Bend asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.

But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the Environment Canada Weather Service and asked, 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?'

'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.

A week later, he called the Environment Canada Weather Service again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'

'Yes,' the man at Weather Service again replied, 'it's going to be a very cold winter.'

The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later, the chief called the Environment Canada Weather Service again.

'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'

'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.'

'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked.

The weatherman replied, 'The Indians are collecting a buttload of firewood'

 20 
 on: January 28, 2015, 04:38:25 PM 
Started by Charlie1935 - Last post by Leeann
Right back at ya, Charlie (if more than a bit late)!

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