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 21 
 on: January 01, 2015, 06:09:20 AM 
Started by Charlie1935 - Last post by Charlie1935

Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes; come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller!

Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet!

The day the world runs out of wine and chocolate is just too terrible to think about!

I don't trip over things, I do random gravity checks!

I don't need anger management. I need people to stop [censored] me off!

Old age is coming at a really bad time!

When I was a child I thought Nap Time was a punishment ... now, as a grown up, it just feels like a small vacation!

The biggest lie I tell myself is ... "I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."

Lord grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can & the friends to post my bail when I finally snap!

I don't have gray hair. I have "wisdom highlights". I'm just very wise.

I smile because you are my sister-in-law and laugh because you married my brother!

My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance to idiots that needs work.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would've put them on my knees.

The kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please. I text back "no" which is shorter than "yes".

When did it change from "We the people" to "screw the people"?

I've lost my mind and I'm pretty sure my kids took it!

Even duct tape can't fix stupid ... but it can muffle the sound!

Why do I have to press one for English when you're just gonna transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?

Lord, Give me patience and give it to me NOW.

Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.

At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.
_____________________

 22 
 on: December 31, 2014, 08:58:13 PM 
Started by Charlie1935 - Last post by Charlie1935
May you all have a happy and prosperous new year!

 23 
 on: December 08, 2014, 08:16:21 AM 
Started by Charlie1935 - Last post by Charlie1935
Darwin Award 1
A little background, for those of you who don't know, is that each year a 'Darwin Award' is given to an individual who has done the gene pool the biggest favor by killing themselves in an extraordinary and stupid way. Last year the award was given to a man crushed to death by a coke machine from which he was attempting to yank a free soda. Now...our story titled:

'MYSTERY OWNER OF A JET-PROPELLED CHEVY IMPALA'

The Arizona Highway Patrol came upon a pile of smoldering metal embedded in the side of a cliff rising above the road at the crest of a curve. Wreckage resembled that of an airplane crash, but it was a car, make and model unidentifiable at the scene.

A lab figured out the story. It seems that the driver had somehow gotten a hold of a JATO (Jet Assisted Take Off) unit that is used to give heavy military transport planes an extra push when taking off from short airfields and is nothing less than a solid fuel rocket.

He drove his Chevy Impala out into the desert and found a long, straight stretch of road. Then he attached the JATO unit to his car, jumped in, got up some speed and fired off the jet device. The police calculated that the driver of the car accomplished several things:

*Hit JATO ignition at a distance of about 4 miles from the crash site. Asphalt was scorched and melted there.

*Reached maximum thrust within 5 seconds, causing the Chevy to reach speeds in excess of 350 mph and continuing at full power for an additional 20-25 seconds. The driver--soon to be pilot--most likely experienced G-Forces reserved for dog-fighting F-14 pilots under full afterburners. Basically causing him to become insignificant for the rest of the event.

*Remained on the highway for about 2.5 miles (15-20sec.) before the driver applied and completely melted the brakes, blowing all four tires and leaving thick rubber marks on the road surface.

*Became airborne for an additional 1.4 miles, impacting the cliff face at a height of 125 ft. and leaving a black crater 3 ft. deep in the rock.

Most of the driver's remains were not recoverable. However, small fragments of bone, teeth and hair were extracted from the crater, and fingernail shards were removed from a piece of debris believed to be a portion of the steering wheel. The cops even extended their search looking for a personalized plate with "Wile E. Coyote" on it. I'll bet the words "Bad Idea" were among the first--and last-- to pass through this guys mind right after firing the JATO unit.

--

 24 
 on: December 08, 2014, 07:56:55 AM 
Started by Charlie1935 - Last post by Charlie1935
A fleeing terrorist, desperate for water, was plodding through the desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the mirage, only to find a very frail little old man standing at a small makeshift display rack - selling ties.



The terrorist asked, "Do you have water?"



The man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5*."



The terrorist shouted hysterically, "Idiot Infidel! I do not need such an over-priced western adornment. I spit on your ties. I need water!”

"Sorry, I have none, just ties - pure silk, and only $5."



"Pahh! A curse on your ties! I should wrap one around your scrawny little neck and choke the life out of you but . . . I must conserve my energy and find water!"



"Okay," said the little old man. “It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie from me, or that you hate me, threaten my life, and call me infidel. I will show you that I am bigger than any of that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a restaurant. It has the finest food and all the ice-cold water you need. Go In Peace."



Cursing him again, the desperate terrorist staggered away, over the hill. Several hours later he came back; the terrorist was in much worse shape, and fell to his knees as he extended his hand with the money, and gasped, "They won't let me in without a tie!”

 25 
 on: December 08, 2014, 07:53:59 AM 
Started by Charlie1935 - Last post by Charlie1935
A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course, became
confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady
playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked
her if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole,
and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole." He thanked
her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine the same thing happened; and he approached her again with
the same request. She said, "I'm on the 14th hole, you are a hole behind me,
so you must be on the 13th hole." Once again he thanked her and returned to
his play.

He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady
sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady.
The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.

He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your
help. I understand that you are in the sales profession. I'm in sales, also.
What do you sell?"

She replied, "If I tell you, you'll laugh."

"No, I won't."

"Well, if you must know," she answered, "I work for Tampax."

With that, he laughed so hard he almost lost his breath. She said, "See I
knew you would laugh."

"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied. “I’m a
salesman for Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you!"

 26 
 on: December 07, 2014, 09:51:41 PM 
Started by Charlie1935 - Last post by Charlie1935
The rain was pouring and there was a big puddle in front of the bar just
outside the Air Force Base. A ragged old Marine Corp Aviator, wearing his
Winged ball cap, was standing near the edge with a fishing rod, his line in
the puddle.

A curious 2nd Lt fighter pilot stopped and asked what he was doing.

"Fishing," the old guy simply said.

"Poor old fool," the Air Force officer thought as he invited the old Marine Aviator in for a drink.

As he felt he should start some conversation while they were sipping their whiskey,
the haughty fighter pilot asked, "And how many have you caught?"

The old Marine Aviator answered, "You're the eighth one today!"

 27 
 on: November 27, 2014, 07:03:42 AM 
Started by Charlie1935 - Last post by Charlie1935
I am only sending this to those I believe have the mental capacity to comprehend the meaning of these statements. It requires the real deep thinker to grasp these most important facts.

Subject: 9 Points to Ponder

Number 9 - Death is the number 1 killer in the world.

Number 8 - Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 7 - Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which
one can die.

Number 6 - Men have two emotions: hungry and horny, and they can't
tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.

Number 5 - Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a
person to use the internet and they won't bother you for weeks,
months, maybe years.

Number 4 - Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the
hospital, dying of nothing.

Number 3 - All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no
attention to criticism.

Number 2 - In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird.
Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.

Number 1 - Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do today
might burn your ass tomorrow.

...and as someone recently said to me: Don't worry about old age; it
doesn't last that long

 28 
 on: November 27, 2014, 07:01:05 AM 
Started by Charlie1935 - Last post by Charlie1935
What deep thinkers men are... I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.

My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing and I said 'nothing'. The reason I said that instead of saying 'just thinking' is because she would have said 'about what'. At that point I would have to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics which would lead to other questions.
Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.

Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child." On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."

I rest my case...

Time for another beer.

 29 
 on: November 03, 2014, 10:33:58 AM 
Started by Charlie1935 - Last post by Charlie1935
In 1939 Dodge produced an in-line 6 cylinder diesel engine with a 331 cu. in. displacement. It had a BHP range of 95-100. I'm curius as to what the torque rating would be with a 3.75 in. bore and a 5.00 in. stroke!

  Matt

Found out!!
226 ft. lb. @ 1000 RPM.

 30 
 on: November 01, 2014, 12:29:07 PM 
Started by Charlie1935 - Last post by Charlie1935
All 3 of my boys are over 6' and I'm only 5' 10-1/2'"

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